


wherever you are

by keity



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kuroo moved out to go to uni, Letters, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Minor Memes, chat fic, dissociation imply, from far away, kenma has family problems, kenma is alone, kuroo's trying his best to help, maybe calls, maybe some text conversations, mentioned daisuga, rated "teen and up audiences" bc of the family problems
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-22
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2018-09-01 11:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 15,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8623378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keity/pseuds/keity
Summary: P.S. You might be wondering why I wrote a letter and didn't call or message. Well, I felt like it'd be nice to have something to keep. So, please write back (not email or message, but write with a pencil or pen.) so that this isn't going to be some sad one-way communication where I send letters and you get them and keep them but I don't have any letters from you because that's just awkward.





	1. Chapter 1

Kenma,

It's been a few days since I last saw you. I know that's not exactly a long time, but it seems like a long time, especially since we've seen each other day after day for the last… three or four years. I've moved into my new apartment, and Daichi (remember the Karasuno captain?) is also attending the same university as me. I offered him a place at my apartment, but he said that he's staying with Suga-san. Oh well. I put up an advertisement for someone to share my apartment with. It's a nice apartment. You would have liked it. It's got a nice living room (i've so far counted 5 power sockets. plenty for you to charge all your consoles) and  spacious kitchen that probably has one too many shelves. I don't know what to put in them. There are two bedrooms, and one bathroom. There's a glass door that leads to a balcony. You can see the sunset, so the living room is all orange in the evening. It's really nice. I made some pasta. I made a bit too much, so I gave some to the old lady next door (did I mention? There's an old lady in the apartment next to mine. Lots of cats.) and she complimented my cooking! I told you my cooking was nice.

Class started yesterday, and my chemistry teacher seems nice. She started off with a joke. "I'd start this semester with a science joke, but I'm afraid I wouldn't get a reaction." Luckily, she got a reaction. She didn't set us homework, and she said that she would give us the first week free of homework.Enough about me. 

Enough about me. How are you? How's everything at home? Has your dad been around to visit? Please say no. Has your step-dad been arguing with your mum? Sorry, these questions are a little upfront, aren't they? I hope you're doing well. It's strange, not having you around. It's like something's missing in my life. Gosh that sounded so cliché and cringey. Sorry.

Anyways, it's pretty late. I'll run this letter to the post office in the morning and then head to class.

From my dark, kinda lonely apartment, Kuroo.

P.S. You might be wondering why I wrote a letter and didn't call or message. Well, I felt like it'd be nice to have something to keep. So, please write back (not email or message, but write with a pencil or pen.) so that this isn't going to be some sad one-way communication where I send letters and you get them and keep them but I don't have any letters from you because that's just awkward.

P.S.S. Please don't take this as a sign to only send letters and never message me again. Promise you'll message if something is urgent. Call, even.

P.S.S.S. I love you

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Dear: Kuroo,

I'm glad your classes seem like they'll be fun. Back here, my classes are as dull as ever. I'm still managing decent grades, even without your help. Coach Nekomata said he'll retire once we third years graduate. There's another coach that's been coming in to look over our practice sessions. You should come down and join in on practice when you're free. I miss tossing to you.

I'm okay, I guess. Things have been worse, so this isn't so bad. I'd much rather be over at your house with you, like we used to do when things go bad. The day before you sent the letter, dad came over to visit. Kind of, anyways. He was a little drunk. I was in my room, so I didn't hear what he was saying to my mum but when he left my step-dad started yelling at mum. They always get like this when dad comes around. He ended up going for a drive - came back around midnight. I hate it, Kuro. I hate it when they yell at each other. Wasn't the new marriage supposed to make her happier?

Today (the day that I'm writing this) has been okay. I leveled up in that new game you got me before you left. If I keep playing for three days straight, I'll be able to finish the game and start a new one that Shouyou sent me for my birthday. 

Oh yeah, Shouyou came to visit me. He knows something is wrong, but he doesn't pry too much. I'm thankful for that.  
I want to write more. I miss you. I want to spend more time with you.

From: Kenma  
P.S. send me photos of the cats.  
P.S.S. no, I won't stay up for 3 nights. I know you wouldn't want me to do that.  
P.S.S. I love you too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had free time in class... I may or may not be able to update every day or two :D


	3. Chapter 3

To my one and only kitten, (Sorry, did that sound a little kinky? Too bad.)

I'm surprised that you actually want to write more. I was expecting shorter responses as well. Anyways, I'm glad that the shorty is still coming over. If he doesn't come over, you'd probably stay cooped up in your room. Maybe you should tell the shrimp about what's going on. Or someone, at least. Someone other than me. Someone that can help you when I can't. I want you to be safe, okay? And I know that you don't want to tell anyone, but for your safety, please do. You can't come over and stay at my place anymore. My parents are out quite a lot, so no one will be home. You also need a place to stay if things get bad. I can call my parents, if you want, and tell them you may come over sometimes. I won’t tell them the details, just that you’ll use my room. If you want, that is. Like I said, I want you to be safe.

As for the cats, here. The black one with the red bow is called Kiki. She named it after that one character in the ghibli movie. She seems to like Ghibli movies. Kiki seems to be very protective of the other cats... She reminds me of Suga-san from Karasuno, honestly. The ginger cat is named Mikan. A fitting name, if you ask me. The third cat, the small grey and white one that looks like a kitten, is named Hana. I like Hana the most. She's playful and affectionate. I'm planning on buying her a few cat toys... She likes to play with bells.

About the game, please don’t stay up late. I know you said you won’t, but knowing you and your love for games, you’d probably do it anyways. This probably doesn’t help my case, but I got you something. Hopefully it’s not damaged… if it is, send it back and I’ll ask for a refund or replacement. I’ll tell them it was faulty or something. I really hope you enjoy it, and that you don’t already have it. Because that’d just be awkward if you do and I’ll be kinda bummed because I really want to give you something.

I’ll tell you more about my adult life in the next letter, so look forward to that!

Love always, Kuroo.

P.S. ‘love always' sounds so… cringe worthy.

P.S.S. I wrote this in pen, so I can’t exactly erase it, but when I say adult life, I don’t mean anything _that_ explicit. I just mean my life after high school. My life as an adult. I just wanted to make it sound a little cooler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this is a short one and took longer to update...  
> our laptops were taken away, so i'm typing it on a computer and i find it sO hard to type on this keyboard i'm sORRY I BEG FOR FORGIVENESS


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: dissociation imply

Kuro,

I know you mean well and that you want to help me as much as you can from where you are, but I don’t feel like telling Shouyou. He seems really happy with everything as it is. He and the other second years are getting a long better than they did last year. He says that he wants to have another practise match with Nekoma while I’m still in the team… He even asked me to toss to him, even though it was getting late and he still needed to catch a two hour train home. So, he’s content with everything and I don’t want to burden him with my problems… I am, in a way, his senpai as well so I’m supposed to help him, not have him help me.

To answer your surprise about me wanting to write more… well, you’re important to me, and you want me to write and I can’t see you every day like I used to so yes, I want to write to you because that’s what you want and right now, that’s something that I can do to make you happy. Sorry, that was a long sentence. But that’s why I want to write more, and why I’ll comply with your wish for letter writing between us.

I got your game, by the way. Luckily, I bought Pokemon Sun, not Moon, so I don’t have this one yet. I haven’t started it yet, because I want to finish the other one first. Then, I’ll finish Sun, and then I’ll start Moon. You know how you told me not to pull an all-nighter? I only pulled on all-nighter. I had an afternoon nap and then continued to game. Sorry.

The cats are very cute. If I get into the same university as you and we share an apartment, of if we ever live together, can we get a cat as well? I want someone to be on the bed with me when you’ve gone out or something. Also, can we have a place similar to yours? Some place where you can see the sun set. I’d like that.

I’ve tried to put off the bad stuff. I kind of hoped that if I started writing about good things, I’d forget the bad things and send the letter and have you read a negativity free letter. I could, alternatively, just leave out this part and everything to come, but I’d feel bad keeping it from you on purpose. So, the bad news: I think I’m going bad again. I was coping all right, but now that you’re gone I feel a little more empty than normal and it’s… bad. I haven’t done anything stupid… yet, anyways. I’m trying not to. It’s hard, Kuroo. I’m scared I’m going to go bad again. And I know it’s not fair for me to tell you this when you have uni to focus on and a life to live, but I just… yeah, I’m sorry. For always laying things on you. I don’t think my parents have gotten any worse. It’s just me. I don’t feel like I’m a part of this world anymore. I feel like I’ve become… numb to the hate and sadness, I guess. I just feel like I’m an onlooker. Whenever my mum is arguing and I walk down stairs, I feel like I’m watching it from someone else’s point of view. I don’t like it, Kuroo. I’m going bad again, aren’t I? I know I am, so why am I asking?

Anyways, I think that’s enough for this letter.

I love you.

From: Kenma

P.S. Yes, I still promise to call if it gets worse.

P.S.S. I wouldn't really care about your  _explicit_ adult life. You probably don't have one, anyways. I trust that you wouldn't play around with someone else while in a relationship. I look forward to hearing more about your life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another kinda late update... took me over a week, i think? Sorry. However, holidays are close! So i'll try to update more regularly.  
> Also, since Christmas is close.... should i do a Christmas-themed chapter as well?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: dissociation and self harm ment.

_Kenma,_

_Why didn’t you call me? I… I know it’s up to you when to call, but don’t you think dissociating again counts as getting worse? You even said so, that you think you’re going bad again. Please call me when you’re free. I want to talk to you. Actually, call me as soon as you finish reading this letter. I need to know you’re okay, and I don’t want you lying to me. You can write down that you’re fine, and you could still be lying because words can’t express as much emotion as your voice can. Kenma, I just really want to know you’re okay. Please call me as soon as possible. I want to know that you aren’t lying to me when you say you’re okay. I want to hear your voice and_

With a groan, Kuroo put his pen down and glanced over at the letter Kenma had written. How was he supposed to write down words that expressed how much he was concerned for Kenma? All he was doing right now was re-writing the same things, over and over, but re-worded. He hated feeling so useless and unable to help someone he cared for so much.

He scrunched up the letter and threw it in the bin. Was the letter idea really a good idea? Kenma could lie in any of them and Kuroo wouldn’t know. He could be on the verge of death and be writing about cats and games, for all Kuroo knew. It scared Kuroo to think that.

Instead of completing the letter, Kuroo grabbed his phone and dialled Kenma’s number.

“Come on… pick up, please.”

_“The person you have called is unavailable right now. Please call back at a later-”_

“Dammit!” Kuroo brushed his free hand through his hair. He looked back down at his phone. A text was the next best thing he could do.

 **Kuroo Tetsurou [3:24PM]:** Kenma, please call me as soon as possible.

 **Kuroo Tetsurou [3:24PM]:** Please.

 **Kuroo Tetsurou [3:32PM]:** You should be out of school by now.

 **Kuroo Tetsurou [3:34PM]:** Please reply soon, Kenma.

With a sigh, Kuroo slumped back down at his desk and stared at his unfinished letter. Just as he was about to pick up his pen and continue writing it, his phone started to vibrate. He jumped, and snatched his phone up, not bothering to look at the caller ID.

“God, Kenma, thank God-”

“Kuroo-san?”

Kuroo froze. The voice was too deep to be Kenma. He moved the phone away from his ear and felt his heart drop when he looked at the caller ID.

“Daichi-san. Hey. Sorry, I was expecting-”

“I could tell,” Daichi let out a chuckle. “Everything all right between you two?”

“Yeah, yeah we’re fine. I was just- yeah, we’re all good. So, how can I help you today?” Kuroo tried to slip back into his usual self. It wasn’t easy at all.

“Well, Suga and I were wondering if you wanted to have lunch with us? I realise it’s kind of late, but nothing wrong with catching up, right?”

Kuroo hesitated. If he went out, would it ease him of his anxiousness? Would he be able to keep his composure, or would he be too fidgety? Would Daichi and Sugawara sense his unease? A part of him worried that they would find out about everything, but the other part of him told him it was better for him to go out and get some air.

“You guys won’t be snogging in front of me, will you?”

“We- I- of course not!”

Kuroo laughed at Daichi’s flustered voice. “Okay. Message me the details.”

The call ended and Kuroo was left once again with his unease. He picked up his pen and set the tip on a new piece of paper, deciding to write whatever comes to mind. If he sent a letter and he got one back in return, it meant Kenma was okay, right? Before he could start writing, his phone buzzed. He couldn’t finish a letter now, even if he tried. He didn’t know what to write. Maybe going out with Daichi and Sugawara would clear his head a bit. Kuroo looked at the address, picked up his coat, and made his way out.

* * *

 

Kenma,

You should have called me. You told me once that you're calmer when talking to me. Please call me next time you feel like you're dissociating. Don't do anything to harm yourself either, even if it makes you feel more grounded. If it comes to it, go hold some ice blocks. Punch a pillow. Just don't harm yourself. Please. Call me as soon as possible, okay? I need to hear your voice and know if you're okay or not. You can write that you're fine, but how would i know if you're lying or not? Ink on paper doesn't express as much emotion as our voice does. Please call me. Skype me, if you can. I don't know what else to write... pathetic, isn't it? The person I care for most in this world is going through a tough time, and i can't do anything about it. 

I went out for lunch with Daichi and Suga-san today. I didn’t eat much, though. I had a cup of coffee. Thankfully, they didn’t display too much PDA in front of me. We went to a nearby park and Suga-san set some balls for me. I hit them and Daichi tried to block them. What am I saying, he didn’t try. He did. It never ceases to amaze me how good Karasuno’s libero and captain (ex-captain, I guess) are at receiving.

Now, about my amazing adult life. It's not actually amazing. I need to go and buy groceries to make food, and no one has contacted me about sharing the apartment, so I have to pay rent as well. I have a part-time job, but the pay is barely enough. I wish you were here. If you were with me and I knew you were safe, I'd be able to figure something out. Right now, I'm just worried about you.

I don’t know what else to write. I’m worried about you. Please get back to me soon. Don’t forget that I love you and I’m always here for you.

Love always, Kuro.

P.S. I tried to call you, but you didn’t pick up. It’s been almost three hours since I called and left messages. You haven’t replied. I hope you reply before this letter gets to you.

P.S.S. Please re-consider talking to Shouyou. Yes, I care so much that I’m using his name, and not ‘shorty.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> screams from hell bc i'm so sorry this chapter is kinda weird and it seems really out of place sORRY-- i knew what i wanted to do and how i wanted it to go but i'm not 100% sure on how to do it? so this is the best i can do... sorry guys


	6. Chapter 6

_Dear Kuroo,_

Sorry _this is a late reply. I was away at a practice game in Miyagi… we managed to secure a practice game with Karasuno. Like last year, Shouyou insisted we play a couple of games. We played 2 games. We lost the first game and they lost the second. The second set of the first game went on for quite a while. The score was 35-37._

_You said to call you next time I feel like I’m dissociating… It’s hard to do that,_ Kuroo _. When I’m dissociating, I don’t feel in control of myself. I can’t do anything. I feel like I’m floating, that I’m not really me. All I can do it curl up in a pathetic ball and try not to cry. I promise 0I’ll try. But I can’t promise I will._

_Also, I’m sorry I didn’t call back. My phone died during school, and I couldn’t charge it until I got home, which was very late at night. And then I slept, because playing games (volleyball games) tire me out. And when I woke up, I had to cook_ breakfdast _for my mum as well. She hasn’t been well ever since my biological dad came over. She doesn’t go out much, anymore. I probably need to go buy all the groceries tomorrow. We’re steadily running out of food. Kuroo, replenishing health, stamina, items and all that… doing it in games is so much easier than real life. Even dying in games is easier than it is in real life. Don’t worry, I’m just saying that because it crossed my mind, I’m fine, really._

_I have to go and start making dinner, now. I’ll try to write back as soon as I can._

_From:_ Kenma

_P.S. I’ll try to skype you on the weekend… if I can._

_P.S.S. Are you coming home for Christmas?_

Kenma folded the letter into thirds, slipping it into an envelope and sealing it. He didn’t have to go make dinner. What he really needed to do was go get some fresh air and clear his head – there was a noise from downstairs that was making him uneasy. He didn’t like having to lie to Kuroo through writing. It sucked. A lot. And worse, he had lied to Kuroo right after Kuroo had written a letter saying – well, implying – that Kenma could lie in a letter.

With a sigh, Kenma stood up with the letter in his hand. He made his way to his door, opening it and making his way downstairs. However, he only got a few steps down when he froze. He had finally registered the unwelcome sound making him feel uneasy. It was the sound of his parents arguing.

“I’m not purposely losing all our money!”

“Really? Because every week you come home with less and less-“

“I know! I know, so stop telling me! I’m trying to keep our family together-“

Kenma flinched as he heard something shatter. He was surprised he couldn’t hear all the arguing from up in his room.

“By gambling away all our money?! And don’t even call it an addiction – we all know your not addicted to the gambling. You’re addicted to the feeling of not knowing whether or not you’ll win or lose the money. The thrill of winning, that’s what you’re addicted to.”

 “If your damned son could act like a normal teenager and go find a job-“

“Don’t bring Kenma into this!”

“Why? We’re talking about family and finance, right? God, if you’d never given birth to him, you wouldn’t even have this gambling addiction!” Kenma heard his step-father’s voice die down to an almost pitying tone.

_That’s right, it’s my fault that she has a gambling addiction…_

He tightened his grip on the envelope, not caring whether or not it would crease. Maybe he could mail this letter later… Not now. Now wasn’t a good time. He walked back to his room, hands shaking, and kicked the door shut.

No, now wasn’t a good time for anything but shaking and crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> screams bc I really hope this is okay!! It's kinda rushed bc I wanted to get a chapter up before the weekend, bc I'm kinda basing the letters off real time.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited the tags :)  
> I'll add more tags as i update new chapters (to prevent spoiling anything)  
> also, i struggled to end this chapter because... well.. how do i end this chapter?

**Kuroo [10:43AM]:** Kenma, are you up?

**Kuroo [10:43AM]:** We can skype today if you want.

**Kuroo [10:44AM]:** Whenever you’re ready. I can’t wait to see your face again.

**Kuroo [10:45AM]:** sorry, that sounded weird

* * *

**Kenma [11:12AM]:** sorry

**Kenma [11:12AM]:** not now. Maybe later.

**Kuroo [11:14AM]:** oh

**Kuroo [11:15AM]:** okay then

**Kenma [11:15AM]:** sorry

**Kuroo [11:16AM]:** don’t be. Everthing okay?

**Kuroo [11:16AM]:** **Everything

**Kenma [11:16AM]:** yeah

**Kenma [11:17AM]:** I just want to finish my homework.

**Kuroo [11:17AM]:** ?

**Kuroo [11:17AM]:** Really? You, doing homework?

**Kuroo [11:18AM]:** I never thought I would hear you say that.

**Kuroo [11:18AM]:** I’ve just screenshotted that.

**Kenma [11:18AM]:** k

**Kuroo [11:20AM]:** sure you’re okay?

**Kenma [11:21AM]:** yeah. I’ll call you later

**Kenma [11:21AM]:**  I have to go now.

**Kuroo [11:22AM]:** Okay.

**Kuroo [11:22AM]:** love you.

* * *

 

The sound of an incoming skype call woke Kuroo up from his nap. He scrambled into a sitting position, grabbing his laptop from his bedside table and clicking the green answer button.

“Kenma. Hi- Sorry, I just woke up-”

“You don’t look any different from normal.”

Kuroo opened his mouth to defend himself – he looked much better once he could clean himself up, right? – but stopped when his eyes adjusted to the screen and he saw Kenma’s face. The third year was smiling – not a big, teeth showing smile, but a small one, his eyes looking genuinely happy. Kuroo wished he could always see Kenma like this.

“Kuro?”

He looked like an angel, the afternoon sunlight filtering through the curtains behind him. And his head was cocked to the side slightly. Why was his head tilted?

“Kuro, can you hear me? Why’re you staring at me?”

Kuroo couldn’t get over it – he hadn’t seen Kenma’s face in a week and this is the effect it had on him? Just one week, and he was awestruck by the mere sight of his kitten-

“Kuro!”

“I- Sorry, I zoned out. I just haven’t seen you in so long, and you just look really cute- Kenma, why’re you blushing? This isn’t the first time I’ve called you cute – stop covering your face!” Kuroo let out a quiet laugh, genuine joy coursing through his body. It felt _so_ good to talk to Kenma face to face again.

“It’s embarrassing…” Kenma mumbled, his words muffled by the pillow he had brought up to cover his face.

Kuroo let out another laugh. “So, how are you?”

“Okay, I guess. Could be worse, could be better.”

“Of course, if I was next to you, you’d be feeling much better, wouldn’t you?” Kuroo joked, grinning.

“Yeah, probably,” Kenma looked directly at the camera of his laptop, a small smile plastered on his face and his cheeks were still dusted pink. Kuroo swore he forgot how to breathe for a second.

“Well, don’t miss me too much. I’m coming home for Christmas.”

Kenma’s eyes widened, and he leaned in a little closer to the screen.

“Really?”

“Don’t sound too excited, kitten- Kenma, stop covering your face!”

“Don’t call me kitten, then.”

“Why? Kitten suits you! O-Oi, Kenma! Turn your laptop back around!”

It took a devastatingly long time for Kuroo to see Kenma’s face again. Kenma was still pink, the pillow still raised to cover everything below his eyes.

“Are you actually coming back for Christmas?” Kenma asked, his voice soft and a little hopeful.

“Of course. I wouldn’t lie to you about it,” Kuroo replied, an affectionate smile on his face.

Kenma’s eyes widened, and he seemed to perk up once again. His eyes were directed at the screen, so it didn’t quiet seem like he was looking directly at Kuroo. He watched as Kenma wriggled around under the sheets. He finally settled down, resting his chin on his arms. His hair fell forward and Kuroo had the strange urge to reach through the screen and tuck the locks behind his ear.

“Kuroo, I miss you.”

Many people, upon first glance, assumed that Kuroo was one who would not be easily swayed by cliché or cheesy words. He looked like the boy in school who broke people’s hearts, the one who had everyone at his fingertips. However, Kuroo would never get used to the fluttery feelings he got when Kenma said or did something cute. He was quite good at delivering romantic acts and romantic lines, but he was weak when it came to receiving that kind of stuff.

“I miss you too, kit- Kenma! I miss you too, Kenma,” Kuroo let out a relieved sigh as Kenma turned the laptop back around.

The two sat there in an awkward yet calming silence. Kuroo studied Kenma as Kenma picked up his DS and started playing.

“What game have you got there?”

“Pokemon Sun… I’m almost finished it. I should be able to start Moon in a day or two…”

“No staying up late, okay?”

Kenma nodded and rolled onto his back. The crown of his head was visible to Kuroo, who mused at how similar it looked to a sunflower. The dark roots served as the centre of the flower, and the blonde ends the petals. Suddenly, Kenma’s body seemed to go rigid, his fingers stopping above the controls of the DS.

“Kenma?”

“Kuroo- I- I have to go,” Kenma shut his DS lid, not even bothering to save.

“Kenma, why? What- did you hear something?”

“No- Yes-” Kenma scurried to sit up, knocking his laptop over and giving Kuroo a very boring view of his ceiling.

“Which is it? Kenma, what’s going on?” Kuroo sat up in his bed, grabbing his laptop as if he was grabbing Kenma’s shoulders and forcing him to stay still. “Kenma, what did you hear?”

“Sorry, Kuroo, I’ll call you another time-” Kenma righted his laptop.

“Oi, kid, you’re in there, aren’t you?!” Kuroo and Kenma both jumped as a bang was heard on the door. “You little shit, come out here now-”

“Kenma, who is that?” Kuroo asked, fear prickling his skin. He was painfully aware of the sound of a key being inserted into the lock on Kenma’s door. He was even more aware of the fact that he was sitting here, watching Kenma start to shake, neither of them able to do anything.

“Who’s in there with you? Your faggot of a boyfriend?!” Kuroo heard the door open with a bang.

“Oi, Kenma, don’t-”

“Sorry, Kuro.”

“Kenma, don’t-”

One shaking hand combing back his hair, Kenma offered one last teary-eyed smile before shutting the lid of his laptop and ending the call, leaving Kuroo alone in his apartment, shock, confusion and fear swimming in his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aHHHH--  
> I'm sorry if the ending sucks... Like i mentioned before, i struggled to end it.   
> Anyways, updates may be a little slower because it's almost Christmas and i tend to get dragged to places and parties so... yeah, sorry.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a warning before hand - i'm so sorry if this chapter is shit. I feel like my recent chapters are kinda funny and not... right.

There were too many missed calls now. Kuroo dialled one more time – maybe he would pick up this time, right? – and waited another maddening 30 seconds before he heard the automated voice. Why wasn’t Kenma picking up? Who was that guy? Kuroo didn’t even care that he had been called a faggot – that guy could permanently name Kuroo ‘Faggot’ if he wanted.

All Kuroo wanted was for Kenma to be safe.

Frustrated, Kuroo threw his phone onto his bed. It bounced and hit the wall, falling amongst the blanket.

He was angry at himself – why couldn’t he do anything to help Kenma? The one person he cared so much about was probably hurting right now, and he was doing… what? Pulling his hair in frustration? Throwing his phone? Yelling pointless things? He wasn’t doing anything helpful, that’s for sure.

With a groan, Kuroo leant against a wall, sliding down with his hands in his head. It was pathetic, how useless he was from here. How could he be the supportive and caring boyfriend that Kenma wanted? It was, right now, an unachievable goal.

He felt tears start to gush down his face. He was angry, annoyed, scared… sad. He started to let out frustrated sounds, banging his head against the wall and banging on the floor. He felt like a kid throwing a tantrum.

He wasn’t sure when it was, but the mental exhaustion from worrying and crying finally got the better of him. When he woke up, the sun was setting. He could see the living room bathed in the orange of the sun.  Kuroo pushed himself off of the floor, wincing. His neck hurt and all his joints seemed stiff. He closed his eyes, rubbing his neck, and almost instantly regretted it.

He saw Kenma, teary eyed with hair falling around to frame his face. He saw Kenma’s sad smile and now – only now – did he register the fear in his eyes, faint behind the tears. Kuroo hated himself for only seeing it now – of course Kenma would be scared.

He crawled – rather pathetically, but he would never let anyone know how pathetic he looked – over to his phone and picked it up, checking his notifications. He felt his stomach drop. There were no messages or missed calls from Kenma.

After standing up and washing his face, Kuroo had decided one thing – he couldn’t keep dwelling on this, waiting until he got a reply. Kenma wouldn’t want that. So Kuroo picked himself up and tried to put himself together as well as possible.

He spent the evening trying to distract himself. He cooked himself up a meal and invited Azumi-san, the cat lady from next door, over to eat with him. They talked about things and the fussed over who would do the dishes. In the end, Kuroo did the dishes while Azumi peeled apples for him.

The apples reminded him painfully of Kenma and apple pie. Maybe, if he went – no, _when_ he went back for Christmas, he’ll make Kenma an apple pie.

When Azumi left, it was only 8pm. Kuroo, not yet ready to be left alone with his thoughts, decided to rewatch some of his old volleyball games. Finishing all of Nekoma’s matches, he found videos of Fukorodani’s matches, then Karasuno’s matched. After bingeing volleyball matches, he set himself up to clean his apartment. He dusted all the shelves and cupboards, vacuumed the floor and carpets, (finally) folded all of his clothes and wiped all the mirrors in the house.

When he finished, it was well into the night, the clock’s hour hand nearing the single digits again. Kuroo didn’t even bother to change into his pajamas. He pulled himself to his bed and fell down, exhaustion taking over him and he finally fell asleep.

* * *

 

**Kenma [1:23AM]:** I’m sorry, Kuro.

**Kenma [1:23AM]:** I’m okay now.

**Kenma [1:25AM]:** oh

**Kenma [1:26AM]:** You’re probably asleep.

**Kenma [1:26AM]:** sorry

**Kenma [1:29AM]:** I love you. Good night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a few chapters ago, i said that i kinda plan to have the story to advance kind of in real time (if that makes sense?) but i take that back -- i don't think i can keep it up... sorry. So, the Christmas chapter for this story may be up after Christmas. However, i plan to upload a christmas oneshot (kuroken or kurotsukki, i'm still debating) soon so !!! i hope that turns out well.  
> Anyways, i hope the chapter isn't bad... i'm not feeling the best, but i want to continue this story and not postpone it or anything, so i deeply apologise for any and all shit writings!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is all dialogue/text. I'll bring back letters after Christmas chapters.  
> 400 hits got me so blessed. so moved. so grateful. Can't believe this is my life. Never going to take it for granted-  
> Also, there're brief and minor memes in this chapter because bOi--

**Kuroo [9:56AM]:** Kenma

 **Kuroo [9:56AM]:** are you awake oh my god

 **Kuroo [9:56AM]:** are you sure you’re okay? You aren’t hurt or anything, are you?

 **Kenma [9:57AM]:** I’m fine, don’t worry

 **Kuroo [9:57AM]:** Don’t worry?

 **Kuroo [9:58AM]:** What do you mean don’t worry?

**_Incoming call from Kuroo Tetsurou._ **

**_Connecting…_ **

“I was worried sick! You didn’t answer any of my calls, or any of my messages and I was just left alone and- oh my God, you weren’t- it didn’t last until one in the morning, did it?”

“Kuro, I’m fine. He only yelled and threw stuff around. I just… wanted to collect myself.”

“I- I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have just blown up on you like that. It’s not fair for me to say that I was left alone Oh, god. I’m such an idiot-”

“Kuro, it’s fine.”

“…”

“…”

“… Are you sure that you’re fine? You aren’t hurt, are you? And who was that guy? He didn’t sound like anyone I know-”

“It was my dad. He was drunk… When I- When I started to panic… It was because I heard my mum open the door and say his name.”

“Kenma, you don’t have to explain your actions.”

“I… okay. Sorry, Kuro.”

“Stop apologising.”

“Sorry. I mean – okay. Don’t laugh…”

“Okay, Okay.”

“…”

“…”

“…Well...”

“This is kinda awkward.”

“I don’t mind it. It makes me feel better to know you’re on the other side.”

“Christmas break starts tomorrow. My last class in an hour or so.”

“You’re still coming down, right?”

“Of coure kitten.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Okay, sorry, kitten.”

**_Call ended._ **

**_Incoming call from Kuroo Tetsurou._ **

**_Connecting…_ **

“Hello, sir. May I take your order? Today’s special is Kuroo Tetsurou with a side of chocolate sauce-”

**_Call ended._ **

**_Incoming call from Kuroo Tetsurou._ **

**_Connecting…_ **

“You don’t need to end the call!. There’s no point, because I’ll never let go, Kenm-”

**_Call ended._ **

**_Incoming call from Kuroo Tetsurou._ **

**_Connecting…_ **

“What do you say when Bokuto runs at you?”

“…This better not be a joke.”

“Guess what.”

“…What?”

“Here come dat Boiiiikut-”

**_Call ended._ **

**_Incoming call from Kuroo Tetsurou._ **

**_Connecting…_ **

“Oh shit waddup-”

“The amount of time you have in this call.”

**_Call ended._ **

**Kuroo [10:17AM]:** Kenmaaaaaaaa

**_Incoming call from Kuroo Tetsurou._ **

**_Connecting…_ **

“If you say one more joke or memey thing, you’re going to have to wait until you come down to talk to me.”

“Kenma, you must let a man enjoy his memes.”

“The memes are-“

“Dank?”

“Tiring.”

“Buuuut, let’s be honest, you’re feeling better, yes?”

“…yeah.”

“Then it’s okay for me to make meme-”

“I _will_ end this call.”

“Shit. Okay. Sorry.”

“…When are you coming up?”

“Well, it’s a few hours by train from here to Tokyo, so I was thinking of catching a train… tonight.”

“To… tonight?”

“Yeah. Something wrong?  You sound-”

“No, nothing’s wrong. I was just… surprised that you’re coming over so quick.”

“Yeah, well, there’s only… what, 3 days until Christmas.

“When will you go back?”

“Well… We need to be back before class starts again on the 5th. I want to get back before that because I have an assignment to finish off. Tomorrow’s the 23rd, so I’ll have just over a week with you and my parents…”

“Stay longer. For New Years, too. Please?”

“…Okay. I’ll try.”

“Okay…”

“Don’t worry, kitten, I’ll make it a good Christmas.”

“Okay.”

“You… You didn’t hang up on me.”

“Do you want me to?”

“No, although I _do_ have to go now. I need to shower and eat before class.”

“…do you really have to go now?”

“I’ll text you before I leave for the train station, when I get on the train, minimum 5 times on the train – mind you, if I sleep, I’ll text you very few times – I’ll text you when I arrive in Tokyo. Definitely.”

“Promise?”

“Of course. I promise. I love you.”

“I love you too. Go shower, eat.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, kitten.”

“Bye, Kuroo.”

**_Call ended._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayeeee it's the 26th for me, but I hope everyone had a happy Christmas, or are having a brilliant Hanukkah!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hAPPY NEW YEAR BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

**Kuroo [10:43PM]:** the train actually leaves pretty late

 **Kuroo [10:43PM]:** it leaves at 4:15 in the morning.

 **Kuroo [10:43PM]:** I arrive at 7 or 8 in the morning

 **Kuroo [10:44PM]:** I should get some sleep while I can. Good night x

 

* * *

 

 

 **Kenma [12:58AM]:** That’s pretty late. You’re rather insistent on arriving in the morning.

 

* * *

 

 

 **Kuroo [3:51AM]:** As the ex-captain of the Nekoma boy’s volleyball team, I’d like to give you some advice.

 **Kuroo [3:52AM]:** Do not go outside this late/early. It’s freezing.

 

* * *

 

 

 **Kuroo [4:05AM]:** I just saw this old lady hit a guy with her handbag.

 **Kuroo [4:05AM]:**  It was mortifyingly hilarious.

 **Kuroo [4:07AM]:** I just texted Yaku and told him it reminded me of him and Lev.

 

* * *

 

 **Kuroo [4:12AM]:** just got on the train. It’s pretty empty.

 **Kuroo [4:13AM]:** _Attached image._

 **Kuroo [4:13AM]:** Look how empty it is

 **Kuroo [4:14AM]:** reminds me of that scene in Spirited Away

 **Kuroo [4:14AM]:** When what’s her name goes on the train with no face and the hamster baby and the naked bird

 **Kuroo [4:14AM]:** Chihiro.

 **Kuroo [4:14AM]:** What if I’m Chihiro and you’re Zeniba

 **Kuroo [4:15AM]:** I’m not saying you’re an old lady who knits but y’know

 **Kuroo [4:15AM]:** What if.

 **Kuroo [4:17AM]:** Train’s moving. I’ll keep you updated

 **Kuroo [4:17AM]:** although you’re probably asleep or gaming. I hope you’re sleeping.

 

* * *

 

 

 **Kuroo [4:43AM]:** how come I could remember Zeniba’s name but not Chihiro’s.

 **Kenma [4:45AM]:**  I don’t know. Ask yourself.

 **Kuroo [4:45AM]:** Good morning, Kitten.

 **Kuroo [4:45AM]:** what’re you doing up so early?

 **Kenma [4:46AM]:** I was thirsty

 **Kuroo [4:47AM]:** Oh?

 **Kuroo [4:47AM]:** For what? ;D

 **Kuroo [4:47AM]:** oh my god you don’t have a pet kink or something do you

 **Kuroo [4:48AM]:** my little cinnamon roll is actually a sinnamon roll

 **Kuroo [4:48AM]:** it’s okay, Kitten. Daddy will take care of you ;)

 **Kenma [4:50AM]:** Kuro, you’re disgusting

 **Kenma [4:50AM]:** I was thirsty for water

 **Kuroo [4:51AM]:** whatever you say, Kitten ;)

 **Kenma [4:52AM]:** I’m going to sleep now.

 **Kuroo [4:52AM]:** Okay. Bye, kitten.

 

* * *

 

**Kuroo [6:23AM]:** One more hour until I can see you!!

 **Kuroo [6:23AM]:** I’m kinda nervous

 

* * *

 

 

 **Kuroo [6:57AM]:** _Attached image._

 **Kuroo [6:57AM]:** ^me right now because there’s less than one hour until I arrive at the station

 

* * *

 

 

 **Kenma [7:37AM]:** I can’t believe you sent me the heavy breathing cat meme

 **Kenma [7:37AM]:** I’m in the taxi and I’m on my way to pick you up

 **Kenma [7:38AM]:** I’m sure your parents told you but they’re arriving later this afternoon

 **Kuroo [7:39AM]:** I feel so touched

 **Kuroo [7:39AM]:** My little kitten, all grown up

 **Kuroo [7:39AM]:** Taking a taxi by himself to see me

 **Kuroo [7:39AM]:** his daddy

 **Kenma [7:40AM]:** ew

 

* * *

 

**Kuroo [7:57AM]:** okay where are you

 **Kuroo [7:57AM]:** I’m too tired to walk around and find you aimlessly

 **Kenma [7:58AM]:** If you’re walking about to find me, is it still aimless? Isn’t your aim to find me?

 **Kuroo [7:59AM]:** look, I love you, but sometimes you make me want to kiss all the smart replies out of your mouth.

 **Kenma [7:59AM]:** k

 **Kenma [8:00AM]:** I’m standing in front of the hotel

 **Kuroo [8:06AM]:** making my way downtown

 **Kuroo [8:06AM]:** walking fast

 **Kuroo [8:06AM]:** *Sees Kenma*

 **Kuroo [8:07AM]:** Walking faster

 **Kuroo [8:07AM]:** towards you, ofc

 **Kenma [8:07AM]:**?

 **Kenma [8:08AM]:** I don’t see you.

 **Kuroo [8:08AM]:** Look to your right.

 

Kenma turned, eyes lifting from his screen. His eyes widened and Kuroo tried not to sprint over to him. All the memories of bad skype calls and letters were pushed out of his head – he didn’t need any of it right now. All he needed was Kenma - _his_ Kenma – in his arms.

And Kenma in his arms was what he got.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay also i only just realised i haven't tagged this fic properly so imma tag it properly so i'm so sorry if this is not what you wanted but oH gods


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmmmm got me an actual chapter this time lmao (very sorry about the long wait)  
> I know I haven't been replying to comments as much as I used to, and I'm so sorry, but I want you all to know that I appreciate every single comment that I receive. It makes me really happy, and the comments i got on the a/n chapter (which i've deleted now) made me really happy. Thank you all <3

His hair smelled like apple – the artificial type that they put in shampoo. His body was smaller than Kuroo’s, his head fitting under Kuroo’s chin. Kuroo squeezed Kenma, who seemed to shrink into Kuroo.

“I’ve missed you so much…” Kuroo mumbled, lowering his head to bury it into the crook of Kenma’s neck.

Kenma wrapped his arms around Kuroo’s torso, pulling him in tighter. He didn’t need to say anything, but Kuroo knew he missed him too. Kuroo pulled back, and raised his hands to cup Kenma’s face, his thumbs brushing under Kenma’s eyes.

“Are you okay?”

Kenma gave Kuroo a small smile.

“That’s the first thing you want to ask me?”

“Well… Yeah. I was worried – I still am, honestly.”

“About what? I told you I’m fine.”

Kenma nuzzled his head into Kuroo’s chest once more before pulling away.

“So, have you had breakfast, kitten?”

Kenma looked away, his face red. “I had an apple before I got in the taxi.”

Kuroo perked up, a smirk on his lips. “Oh? An apple?”

Kenma’s eyes flicked up, his brows furrowing. “Yeah. Wait, Kuroo, not here- Kuroo, _stop-_ ”

Kuroo grabbed Kenma’s shoulders, trying to hold him still as Kenma swatted his hands away.

“Kuroo, we’re in public-”

“So?”

Kuroo finally secured his grip on Kenma’s shouders, and managed to steal a kiss from him. He licked his lips afterwards, a contemplative look on his face.

“Yup. Tastes like apple.”

Kenma’s face was red, and he was trying to hide his face in the hoodie he was wearing. Kuroo didn’t blame him – even now, in the 21st century, two people of the same sex kissing or being affectionate towards eachother earned looks. There were people eyeing them, some confused, some surprised, some unbothered, and others with a happy smile on their faces.

“Sorry, kitten. Come on, let’s go home.”

 

After placing his own bags up in his room, he went with Kenma over to the Kozume household. Kenma’s mum welcomed him with her normal wide smile and a hug, inviting him in for tea.

“Oh, no, it’s okay. I’m rather tired from the ride-”

“I do insist, Kuroo-kun...”

With a sigh, Kuroo and Kenma entered the house. They sat for an hour or so the couch, having tea, before Kuroo decied it was time he went back home and rest.

“Kenma, I presume you’re going with him?”

Kenma nodded before replying. “I’ll be off, then, mum.”

“Okay. Remember, There’s a Christmas party tonight! Your parents will be back in time, Kuroo-kun!”

 

“Come here, Kenma…” Kuroo turned around on his bed, his back to the wall. Kenma was on a chair by the desk, his eyes still trained on the Pokemon game.

Kuroo’s eyes opened slightly when the bed tilted. He felt a warm presence crawl under the blanket with him, and lifted his arm to allow Kenma to crawl under.

“I’ve missed this so much…”

It was like a repeat of the scene at the train-station, only this time, it was on a bed.

Kuroo pulled Kenma in, waiting for the sleepy feeling that always came when he cuddled the pudding in bed. It was funny, really, how Kuroo had been tired only a few minutes ago. Right now, his lover in his arms, he felt awake as ever.

Kenma turned around, supposedly to become a small spoon in their cuddle, but Kuroo stopped him.

“Hey, kitten. Look at me.”

The words came out soft, almost fading into his breath.

“Kuro?”

“What is it, kitten?”

Kuroo met Kenma’s eyes, the gold of it drawing Kuroo in like it had the first time he’d realised he was in love with Kenma. Kenma had an odd look on his face. Kuroo would have called it hesitation.

Hesitation from what?

“Kenma?”

“No, it’s nothing…”

Kenma started to turn again and once again Kuroo stopped him.

“Kitten, I want to see your face.”

He saw the tips of Kenma’s ears go pink before his cheeks did. He stopped trying to turn and looked up at Kuroo.

“…Stop calling me ‘kitten’.”

“Maybe.”

Kuroo curled down, pressing his lips gently against Kenma’s. The latter let out a sound of surprise, before relaxing.

Kuroo, really, had only meant for it to be a quick kiss before he actually tried to sleep – he needed the rest for the party tonight – but there was something about it that made him want more. Maybe it was the nostalgic feeling he felt of being with Kenma, or maybe it was the fact that he knew he was in his own room with Kenma, secluded from the rest of Tokyo. He didn’t know – and he didn’t need to know, because what he _did_ need was more.

Just as Kenma pulled back, Kuroo moved in again, desperate for more. He pushed himself up, twisting over so that Kenma was forced onto his back. Kuroo placed his arms on either side of Kenma’s head, supporting himself so that he didn’t squish Kenma.

“K-Kur- mm..!”

Kuroo knew he should have had a little more self-restraint, but it’d been too long. He kissed Kenma like one would gulp for air. He could take a break, let the both of them breath for a while, but he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to stop kissing Kenma. He was scared that if he did stop, Kenma would disappear.

 All the days without letters or messages from Kenma, the few hours after that horrible skype call… Kuroo had feared that that would have been the last time he saw Kenma, talked to Kenma. It was a fear that he had grown up having.

He felt Kenma’s hands move up, resting on his face and pulling him down. He was scared that his arms were going to go weak and he was going to fall. He was scared of a lot of things, right now, but he pushed the fears back, wanting to enjoy this moment.

Kuroo kept himself up until he was sure he would fall, and sat up, pulling Kenma into his lap. Kenma’s legs wrapped around his waist, pushing their too bodies together. As his arms rested around Kenma’s shoulders, Kenma’s ran through his hair, causing chills to run down his spine. He pulled back, and Kenma’s hands stopped in their tracks. Kuroo placed his forehead against Kenma’s both of them a little breathless, a little more in love. Kuroo smiled, his eyes closing momentarily. The fact that he could make Kenma flush faced and breathless… it filled him with a lot of joy.

“I love you… you know that, right?”

Kenma nodded as much as he could with their heads pressed together. Kuroo felt Kenma’s hands grip his hair a little tighter, and he pulled Kenma closer. It felt like the both of them were in a bubble which was holding them together. In the absence of breathless kisses and wondering hands, Kuroo felt the fear resurface.

“You’ll stay with me, right?”

Kuroo didn’t mean for his voice to break.

“Of course I will.”

Kuroo pulled Kenma in, his arms crossing over Kenma’s back and holding on. Kenma’s arms wrapped around Kuroo’s torso, the two of them clinging onto eachother. He didn’t want to let go, not if it meant that they would have to move on with their lives. He wanted to stay like this forever, knowing that Kenma would always be with him, knowing that Kenma was his and would always be by his side.

“I was so _scared_. I- I didn’t know what was going to happen to you,” Kuroo let the worse escape his mouth and fill the silence in the room. “I didn’t know what to think – I just wanted you to be safe.”

He wasn’t aware that he was crying until he felt Kenma rubbing his back, his head resting on Kuroo’s shoulder and murmuring comforting words.

“It’s okay, I’m here. I’m okay.”

“I just want you to be happy.”

“I _am_ happy. You’re here with me, aren’t you?”

Kuroo felt a little pathetic, crying in front of Kenma, but he was glad that Kenma wasn’t judging him. He was glad that Kenma was happier now. He was glad that he could be here with Kenma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my current comfort songs that you should 10/10 check out: 'Hard To Love' and 'We Are' (studio jam version) both by One Ok Rock


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so sorry about lack of update i just--  
> also, school has started so i'll try to update when i can... chapter typing should be easy bc i have my laptop back now, but it's just whether or not i can phrase the ideas i have and make them flow..

“Do you want mine?”

Kuroo stood next to Kenma, bending down slightly to whisper the words. He gestured at the egg-nog in his hand, which was two or three spoons of sugar too sweet. He smirked when Kenma’s eyes widened, and let out an affectionate laugh when Kenma shook his head and pushed Kuroo’s hand away.

“So, what do you suggest I do with it?”

Kenma shrugged, and Kuroo sighed. He looked down at the plastic cup in his hand with a frown. He didn’t want to just abandon it, because that would be rude.

“Do you dare me to drink it?”

“No, I don’t-“

“I can’t believe you dared me to do this.”

“Kuro, you’re going to puke-”

“Really, you’re the last person I’d expect to dare me to do something.”

“Kuro- oh my god.”

Kuroo finished off the eggnog and quickly grabbed Kenma’s shoulder.

“Okay, yeah. That was stupid. But you dared-“

“I did not.”

“Okay, okay. Sorry. Bathroom, real quick.”

Kuroo hobbled up the stairs of the Kozume household, Kenma trailing behind him with a sigh. Graduating from school didn’t mean that Kuroo would stop doing stupid things.

“Kuro?”

He knocked lightly on the door.

“Y-Yeah? I’m okay-”

Kenma grimaced at the sound that cut Kuroo off.

“Yup, you’re totally fine…”

He made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen, grabbing a cup of warm water, which, upon his return, he gave to Kuroo.

“Thanks, kitten…” Kuroo took the cup in his hand, the bathroom door w=swinging close behind him. Kenma’s face warmed at the nickname, and he grabbed lightly at Kuroo’s free hand.

“Do you want to go lay down?”

“No, I’m okay. I just… won’t do any stupid things again.”

“…so you say…”

“Hey, have a little more faith in me, kitten.”

Kuroo ducked down to peck Kenma’s temple, but Kenma dodged.

“Your breath is horrid-”

“Oh shit, I forgot- sorry, kitten.”

Kuroo covered his mouth and moved away.

The rest of the night went by in a whirl. Exchanges of presents were made sometime before midnight, and when the two clock hands finally aligned, signalling midnight, the Kozume household started to empty out.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah… Good night, Kuro,” Kenma nuzzled the hand on his cheek, his eyes droopy.

“Night, kitten.”

* * *

 

The air was brisk, and the short walk to Kenma’s, even in the afternoon, was chilling. His breath rose before him as he waited at the door of Kenma’s home. He had spent the morning with his parents, sharing small stories and helping his mother with the house chores, before excusing himself. It was, after all, Christmas, and he wanted to spend some time with Kenma.

“Oh, Kuroo-kun! Merry Christ-”

“Kuro, come up.”

Kuroo’s eyes left the face of Kenma’s mother to meet Kenma’s own eyes, a warm, golden colour looking at him from the top of the stairs. Something about his eyes put Kuroo off, but he couldn’t quite pin-point what it was. Maybe it was the annoyance that flashed in his eyes when he looked at the back of his mother’s head, or maybe it was something else. Kuroo briefly greeted Kenma’s mother before excusing himself and making his way to Kenma. As the two of them made their way to Kenma’s room, Kuroo grabbed Kenma’s arm lightly.

“What was that about?”

“What was what about?”

Kenma’s voice was a little soft, not in the way that Kuroo closed the door behind himself as he entered Kenma’s room.

“You didn’t even let her talk to me.”

“Who, my mother? She did talk to you.”

“Barely. She uttered out two words! Did something happen between you two?”

“No, nothing happened between us. I just… wanted you by my side as soon as possible.”

Kenma situated himself in his chair, picking up his PSP. The air around Kenma was tense, and it made Kuroo uneasy. His words didn’t seem entirely false, but they didn’t seem entirely true either. It was Christmas, a wonderful day to spend with your loved ones, so Kuroo didn’t want to argue with Kenma.

But he also couldn’t just let Kenma bottle up his emotions, even if it was for everyone else’s sake.

“Kenma, did something happen?”

“No.”

“No, nothing happened, or no, it isn’t worth bringing up?”

Kenma’s eyes flicked up to Kuroo’s momentarily, before dropping back onto the screen. Kuroo tried not to make his sigh obvious.

“Kenma, kitten, you know I don’t care if it’s worth mentioning or not. Everything is worth mentioning. You _know_ that it’s not good to keep everything to yourself.”

“Oh? And how do you know I’m keeping something from you?”

“Well, for starters, you didn’t even say ‘hello’ to me. You also normally don’t cut other people off, especially people older than you. Not to mention, your eyes seem like you’re looking at Lev on the floor. They don’t have the same look to them that they usually do when you play games-”

“Okay, Sherlock, good job analysing me,” Kenma mumbled.

Kuroo, honestly, was a little hurt. Kenma rarely made comments like this. Kuroo frowned slightly. The sound of Kenma’s game was paused.

“…Sorry, Kuro.”

Kuroo didn’t reply, which probably was not the best idea. Kenma bit his lip, looking up.

“Kuroo?”

“I… You know, right?”

Kenma continued to look at him, urging him to continue.

“I _want_ you to talk to me. I want you to be happy, I want you to be safe, I want you to _lean_ on me, Kenma _. Please_. I’m here for you. I don’t care how… how stupid your small problem may seem, or how problematic any of your problems are. You know – you _must_ know – that I’m going to listen. I’m going to listen, and try to help you. I’m here Kenma. I’m _right here,_ so please talk to me.”

 His voice had died down, and Kenma looked like he was trying not to cry. It wasn’t often that Kuroo saw Kenma like this – his normally bright and intelligent eyes a dark, almost brown colour.

“You know that, right?”

It was almost a whisper, a sharp knife cutting into the silence.

“Kenma, say something…”

“…Do you know that I don’t want to bother you? I hate having to run to you every time, because it makes me feel _pathetic_ -”

“Yes, _I know-_ ” Kuroo took a deep breath, regretting having snapped at Kenma, who had flinched. He softened his voice. “I know, kitten. I know. But it’s better that you don’t keep it all to yourself.”

He couldn’t tell if the boy was crying. Kenma had moved his head so that his hear fell in front of his face, hiding his features.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to snap at you. Come here…”

Kuroo watched, his heart aching, as Kenma hesitantly put his console down and made his way over to Kuroo.

“I’m sorry…”

Kuroo crossed his legs, Kenma coming to sit on his lap. He stroked Kenma’s hair, like one might do to a child, as Kenma rested his head on Kuroo’s shoulder.

“It’s fine. I shouldn’t have pried…”

“No, not about that.”

“Then… what about, kitten? You don’t have anything to apologise about.”

Kuroo made sure to keep his voice low and soothing, despite his confusion. He hated seeing Kenma like this, so fragile and vulnerable. Kenma tightened his grip on Kuroo’s hoodie, burying his head in it. Kuroo placed a small kiss on the crown of his head.

“I’m sorry, Kuroo… I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-”

“Kenma?”

Kuroo pulled back, concerned. Kenma was starting to shake in his arms, and he could feel the pull on his hoodie from Kenma’s tight grip.

“Kenma, what is it? You’re worrying me.”

“I- I know I said I wouldn’t, and I know you told me not to- b-but I- I’m so sorry.”

Kenma was full on shaking now, Kuroo holding him tightly to his chest. Kuroo was scared – what had Kenma done that he had to apologise so much for? What’d he done that the mere idea of telling Kuroo would result in him crying so much?

“Kenma, baby, talk to me… You’re scaring me.”

Kenma’s head shook, his hair sticking onto his face due to the tears.

“Kenma, what’d you do? I won’t get angry, I promise-”

“You w-will, you will get a-angry,” Kenma said into his hoodie. He re-emerged from the hoodie, trying to calm his breathing. “I-I’m scared, Kuroo. I don’t want to keep things from you, but- Oh g-god, I’m so s-scared-”

He bit his lip so hard that Kuroo was afraid blood would spill.

“Kenma, kitten, I promise, I won’t get angry. Just talk to me, please.”

Without a word, Kenma – his teeth still clamped around his lip – guided Kuroo’s hand to the hem of his shirt. Kuroo was very, _very_ confused. Was this Kenma’s way of trying to distract the both of them? Was he going to look up and start kissing Kuroo any second now? Kuroo wasn’t sure why he would guide his hand to the hem of shirt.

That is, he wasn’t sure until he felt it. The fabric-like material that seemed to be wrapped around Kenma’s torso. He wasn’t sure until he saw it – the white gauze bandage that covered Kenma’s skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the christmas party bit was kinda irrelevant but i felt like i couldn't really just leave it out after mentioning it in the prev. chapter so...  
> \---  
> check out my newest IwaOi fic, "and the sun set"?  
> \---  
> hmu at tumblr guys and yell at me about lack of update (or you could just check out my tumblr idk it's really up to you)  
> www.okei-tsukkishima.tumblr.com


	13. Chapter 13

“K-Kuro, please don’t get mad…”

 Kuro’s hands were frozen, hovering over the bandages. He wasn’t mad, no. There were so many other words he could use to describe his feelings – betrayed, lied to, heartbroken.

“K-Kenma, you said-”

_“…I’m fine, really.”_

Kenma’s handwriting materialised in his mind, and Kuroo had to concentrate on not clenching Kenma’s shirt tightly.

“I know what I said, what I wrote- Kuro, please don’t be mad-”

Kuroo’s hands moved, as if an unknown force was controlling them, and started to undo the bandages. It was like a horror movie – when the family moves into the new house, and you _know_ something bad was inside, but you couldn’t do anything about it.

As the bandages piled in his lap, Kuroo felt his heart break even more. There were a few light streaks of a pinky-red substance showing through the bandages. It was blood, and Kuroo’s hands were shaking. Finally, Kenma’s torso was bare… kind of.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Kuro… I’m sorry.”

The same two words floated around the room, filling Kuroo’s mind.

“What… what did you use?”

His voice was quite.

“Kenma, what did you use?”

Why wasn’t Kenma responding?

“ _What did you use?”_

Kuroo hadn’t meant for his voice to be raised, really, but he couldn’t help it. He had to make sure Kenma never cut again, never harmed himself-

He moved to stand up, Kenma grabbing onto his hoodie as if he knew what was to come.

“Kuroo, don’t- I’m sorry-”

“Where is it, Kenma? Where?!”

He moved with such force that Kenma’s hands fell from his hoodie. He moved first to Kenma’s desk, opening draws and searching through them – maybe he could find something that he could take away from Kenma, something that he could take to make himself better. If he took something, he’d know that he had done something to possibly stop Kenma from ever hurting himself again, right? He wouldn’t be as useless as he was when he was away and Kenma was suffering by himself – Kuroo would do something this time.

He opened and slammed shelves shut, upturning pencil holders and pushing books aside. He even went as far as rummaging around in the bin. He went, next, to the closet and threw the doors open, throwing clothes onto the floor in a frantic search for something, anything, that could lay his mind at a little ease. When there were only a few shirts left at the bottom of the closet, Kuroo moved to the drawers, pulling them out with such force that rolled up socks went flying out.

Why was he so desperate? Why? Wouldn’t it have been better if he didn’t find anything? It would, wouldn’t it? No, actually… He’d already seen the wounds on Kenma. He knew that there was something, somewhere. And if it wasn’t here… Kenma would still be able to get it back. There was no way for him to completely prevent Kenma from self-harming, unless he were to tie him down and restrain him.

He looked over to Kenma.

He would later deny that he had cried.

Kenma had crawled to the corner of his bed, his back in the corner of the wall. His hands were over his ears, and his head tucked down. His knees had been brought up, pushing him against the wall. The bandages, which had fallen at Kenma's feet when Kuroo had moved off the bed, were a mess - barely handing off the bed. One could see the way that Kenma had pushed his feet to get into the corner.

Kuroo let his hands fall to his side, as he bit the inside of his cheek in frustration. He’d gone and done it, hadn’t he? He’d done the one thing he said he’d never do to Kenma – he’d frightened Kenma. Not the prank type of frightened, but the frightened where you just want to escape because you don’t feel safe.

Kuroo had meant to be someone that had a positive impact on Kenma’s life.

He had meant to be someone who Kenma could trust. Could rely on.

He was supposed to be Kenma’s ‘safe zone,’ and yet, here he was, throwing things around like a mad man.

“Kenma, I’m so sorry…”

He choked on his words, forcing his feet to move towards the bed. But, as he did, Kenma started to shake more, pushing himself further into the corner. Kuroo felt his heart shatter into a million pieces, stopping in the middle of the room. He stood there, pathetically, clenching his fists at his side. Kenma was _scared_ of him. He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the hot tears stream down his face.“

“Kenma, please. I’m sorry-” 

Kenma was shaking, and Kuroo wished that the whole scene could be muted. He didn’t want to hear Kenma’s strained cries. He didn’t want to hear the sound of the sheets being pushed around as Kenma’s feet tried to push him further back into the wall. He didn’t want to hear his own breathing, so uneven and ragged.

He wished he could rewind to when he had just arrived. He wished he hadn’t gotten so worked up, so _angry_. Kenma had known how Kuroo would have reacted. Kenma had been so scared that it had reduced him to tears before Kuroo had even known what was going on. And what had Kuroo done? He’d gone and told Kenma that he _wouldn’t_ get angry, but he had.

He had gone and gotten angry, and that was the biggest mistake he had ever made.

He wasn’t sure how much time Kenma spent crying or how much time he spent trying to block everything out. It could have been a few minutes that Kenma stayed shaking, crying, and he stayed in the middle of the room, hating himself. It may have been a few short minutes, half an hour. A few hours.

Eventually, he found himself on the opposite side of the room, head between his knees as he gripped at his arms painfully. Everything was quieter now. Kenma’s cries and strained wailing had turned into soft whimpering and sniffling. Kuroo’s hot, angry tears had stopped flowing, and he was starting to think again.

Was sitting here, in the corner, really any good?

“Kenma…”

Kuroo forced himself up, taking deep breaths as he took slow steps towards the bed. As he climbed onto the bed to crawl over to Kenma, he held his breath, afraid that any sudden sounds would startle him.

“Kenma, baby…”

He was an arm’s length away now. An arm’s length away from being able to do something _right_ , something _worthwhile._

And then Kenma was _there,_ in his arms, crying and embracing him with strength that Kuroo never knew he had. It was such a horrible thing, knowing that Kenma was in his arms, _crying,_ because of him. Yet, in a way, it was a comforting thing, having Kenma crying in his arms, because he now knew that Kenma didn’t completely blame him.

Countless apologies were whispered into Kenma’s hair, Kuroo’s tears wetting Kenma’s hair.

“You said – you said you wouldn’t get angry-”

“I know, I’m sorry, kitten…”

Kenma's next words stung. They hurt Kuroo, so, _so_ much. But he knew they were true, and he knew that he’d probably never forgive himself for making Kenma cry.

“You’re a liar, K-Kuro. A liar.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hnnnnnnnng i'm sorry this chapter is short and kinda shitty af--  
> i just wanted to finish it and move onwards w the fic i'm so sorryyyy


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo waddup i'm back and alive and so sorry for not updating in ten years.

Kenma,

It feels different, to send you a letter even though you’re only a few metres away. It’s almost the new year, so I don’t want to leave things awkward between us.

So, first off, I’m sorry. I know you probably don’t want me to say it, so here I am, writing it. Amusing, aren’t I? Honestly though, Kenma, I regret everything I did from the moment I walked into your house on Christmas day. I regret pushing you to answer my question. I regret trying to pry the answers out of you, and I regret turning into a madman. I’m sorry for yelling and for reacting so stupidly. I really do regret it. I’d take back every moment if I could. I’m sorry that I’m also such a pathetic coward that I can’t even tell you this face to face.

To make up for it, how about something horribly cliché? I’ll take you out and treat you. Meet me at the park – you know which one – tomorrow at noon.

I hope things will be normal between us again.

Love always, Kuroo

 

* * *

 

The weather had changed in the last few days, although maintaining the cold, crispy mornings. Kuroo walked to the park, his lower face tucked behind a scarf and his hands pocketed in his jacket. His mind was clouded with doubt – would Kenma actually come? Did he even bother to read the letter? Well, Kuroo _had_ dropped it at their doorstep and disappeared before anyone answered the door… but that wasn’t the point, right? He had left earlier than needed, so he wasn’t too surprised when the park came into sight and all he saw were kids playing on the playground.

He took a seat on a bench, giving the kids a small smile when they stopped their game of tag to stare at him. After a few blinks, one of them let out a yell and resumed chasing the other two. Kuroo watched in amusement as they ran after one another, oddly reminded of his own childhood. He and Kenma would stop here after school, even though Kenma never really played. Kenma would sit under a tree – for the park hadn't had benches installed yet – and play his games, while Kuroo would climb the monkey bars and sit on top of them, claiming himself as ruler of the playground. The memories clawed at his chest – if he could turn back time… the things he would do to prevent such a shit outcome.

“Hey, onii-san?”

Kuroo blinked a few times, bringing himself back. one of the kids – the girl – was standing in front of him. Her head was tilted slightly, and her braids were starting to come loose.

“Hello, hi, yes, what can I do for you today?”

The girl giggled, before saying, “Do you want to play with us?”

“Why would you ask me that? Haven’t your parents ever told you not to talk to strangers?”

“You’re not a stranger!”

Kuroo frowned a little in confusion.

“I’m- I’m not?”

“Aren’t you that volleyball guy? You played for Nekoma!”

Kuroo was, honestly, a little flattered that they recognised him.

“We saw you on TV, onii-san! Last year!”

“Did you, now? Was I good?” He grinned at the girl, and was aware of the two boys running up to them.

The girl nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah! My onee-san said that you were better than her boyfriend… don’t tell him she said that though.”

Kuroo let out a laugh, surprising himself. He hadn’t laughed in a while, yet this girl, this small girl, made him laugh? Gosh, he was amazed by the power kids had.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”

He put on a small grin before leaning back. However, the girl stood there, now flanked by the two boys. They kept staring at Kuroo.

“So?”

“So what?”

“Well, do you want to play with us?”

“oh- Sorry, I’m waiting for someone.

“Oh. Okay then,” The girl looked at Kuroo, her mouth twisted in thought. “Bye, onii-san!”

Kuroo said that he was waiting for someone, but as time passed, he wasn’t so sure anymore. Kenma didn’t turn up. After fifteen minutes, Kuroo pulled out his phone and sat there for another five minutes, debating whether or not to call Kenma.

Either way, he didn’t get to speak to Kenma. He was sent straight to voicemail.

And it was a little sad, he thought, as he sat there for almost 2 hours, waiting and waiting for someone that never came. Eventually, the children left and Kuroo was left alone, at the park, wondering if what he’d done was so bad that he didn’t deserve to see Kenma.

 

* * *

 

The night before his departure, Kuroo sat on his bed and stared out his window to where he could see Kenma’s room. The curtains were closed, and the smallest amount of light bloomed from one corner of the window – the only sign that Kenma was awake and alive.

It wasn’t that Kuroo hadn’t bothered to check until his last night, or that he didn’t want to. Kuroo had called countless times and left messages. He knew Kenma was alive – he’d been left with lots of _read: 3:07pm, read: 3:32pm, read 5:18pm_ and their varying forms. He was sure that if the Nekoma team ran for as long as it’d take him to scroll back up to Kenma’s last message, they’d all be fitter than Bokuto – and that was saying something.

Kuroo was starting to zone out, for it was close to midnight when the said rectangle was filled by a familiar body frame. Kenma was standing at the window – well, not _at_ the window, but to the side. Kuroo watched, almost forgetting to breathe, for he hadn’t seen Kenma for almost a week.

He watched as Kenma lifted his shirt up and held it between his teeth. He watched as the other boy leant over, grabbing something, and as the boy fiddled with whatever it was he’d grabbed. He watched, feeling his stomach sink slightly as Kenma moved to fiddle with something at his side, and as the silhouette of bandaged unwrapped themselves from around the boy’s torso.

Kuroo watched, heartbroken, as Kenma re-wrapped his torso with new bandages, and as he disposed of the old ones. He saw Kenma take deep, shuddering breaths after re-bandaging himself – Kuroo didn’t blame him at all. He wanted to be there, in Kenma’s room, helping him and treating his wounds. He wanted to hold Kenma, to love Kenma as much as he could, to love Kenma the right way. He wanted to be there for Kenma, yet here he was, watching as Kenma ran shaking hands through his hair. Eventually, Kenma moved out of the window frame and the Kozume household was plunged into darkness and Kenma turned the lights off.

Letting out a quiet “ _fuck,”_ Kuroo stood up and ran his own hands through his hair. He paced around next to his bed, only moonlight preventing him from tripping over anything strewn on the floor. He wanted to meet Kenma so bad, but he couldn’t just barge in against Kenma’s will. He couldn’t.

But, to his confusion, he found himself slipping on a hoodie and making his way out. He wasn’t aware of slipping his shoes on, but suddenly he was walking out, and then the next second he was in front of Kenma’s house, fiddling with the keys in his hands. He didn’t even bother to worry about being caught sneaking into the Kozume household.

He stood, now, before Kenma’s door. There was no way of knowing that Kenma was even awake-

“What the _hell-_ ”

Kuroo stopped himself before he could wake up the whole house.

Kenma stood before him, golden eyes a little wide, lips slightly parted, and hair slightly messy. He stared up at Kuroo, as if Kuroo was the last thing – person – he’d expected to see at midnight.

Well, Kuroo _was_ probably the last person he’d expected to see.

“Kenma- I didn’t think- I thought you were-”

“Asleep? I was. I woke up to get a drink.”

Kuroo doubted he’d been asleep, but he didn’t voice his thoughts.

“What’re you doing here?”

“I was…” Kuroo couldn’t help looking away sheepishly. “I was hoping to see you before I left.”

“So you came over, at midnight, stood in front of my door and then yelled when it opened? Why _did_ you scream? Weren’t you going to barge in anyways? You could’ve done your screaming in there, at least.”

It was like Kenma was _trying_ to act cold towards Kuroo, but he was failing, as his voice held an underlying sense of relief and tiredness.

“Kenma, I’m sorry-”

“I know. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that. I’m just- Right now-” Kenma took a deep breath and stepped out of the way. “I’ll be back.”

Kuroo opened his mouth, and then closed it. Kenma walked past him, and Kuroo entered his room. It hadn’t changed much since a week ago. The only noticeable difference was Kenma’s desk, which had a pile of envelopes on them – envelopes, which had Kuroo’s writing printed at the front.

He blinked in amazement. Had Kenma been re-reading the letters they’d exchanged the past year?

The creaking of the door snapped Kuroo out of his shock, and he turned to find Kenma closing the door quietly behind him, a glass of water in his other hand. Kenma moved past Kuroo, as if he wasn’t there, and placed the glass down. He then moved to his bed, where he sat cross legged.

“Can- Can I sit down?” Kuroo asked, uncertain of how comfortable Kenma was in his presence at the moment. At other times, he wouldn’t even ask, but it hurt him a little, now, to ask the other for permission.

Kenma nodded, a small movement of his head. Kuroo Moved to sit before him, and noticed that the younger boy was fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, pulling it and rubbing it between his fingers.

“Can I move closer?”

Another nod. Kuroo moved until he and Kenma were knee to knee. They stayed like that for a while, Kuroo trying to read Kenma, to see whether he should back off for a bit or not, and Kenma staring down at his shirt.

“I just wanted to see you before-”

“I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring-”

The words jumbled together, breaking the silence. There was an awkward pause, before Kenma spoke.

“I didn’t think about how much it might affect you if I didn’t reply…”

Kuroo stared, disbelieving. How much it’d affect him? It’d affected him a lot – he’d been asked why he was skipping meals, and why he was constantly checking his phone at dinner (for Kuroo was well mannered and rarely checked his phone in the presence of his parents). He’d been asked why he seemed so tired, so fatigued. His parents had even thought that he and Kenma had broken up. They’d never seen their son so heartbroken before.

“I was _so worried_ , Kenma. Of course it’d affect me. I didn’t know if I should’ve come over or not, because I was scared that it’d throw you off. I didn’t know if you wanted to see me. I thought you’d wanted to keep your distance. I thought I’d finally broken the deal. I thought- I thought I’d ruined everything.”

“Kuro-”

“I didn’t want to lose you – I was scared that I’d lost you. So, so scared. I wanted to apologise to you, but I know you don’t like upfront apologies. I didn’t know what to do-”

Caught off guard, Kuroo almost choked on his words. Of all the things he’d expected tonight – of all the possible outcomes, good or bad, he hadn’t expected this.

He hadn’t expected Kenma to be one to initiate a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please tell me if there're any typos?? i rushed like 3/4 of this bc i suddenly got in the mood to write and aHHHHHhhhh  
> anyways, i hope it was okay and my writing hasn't died in the few months i was absent lmao


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> umm... sorry for my absence?

He didn’t want it to be some cliché kiss between two angst ridden teenagers with “something wet” that ended up being nothing kinky, but tears. He didn’t want it to be a sad, slow kiss where the two people just stayed still and the kiss lingered for a while, before lips separated and reality was brought back to them.

But that’s exactly what this kiss was.

It was nothing romantic and nothing to brag about when drunk. It wasn’t intoxicating or suggestive. It was sad, a little regretful, and even a little tired, if kisses could be tired. Kenma pulled back, and Kuroo was aware that he was crying. Not the body shaking sobs that came during a panic attack. It was a heartbreaking, almost wistful thing, Kenma’s calm crying.

“I missed you a lot too, Kuro. I didn’t do it to get back at you for that day or anything.”

“Then _why_? Why ignore everything from me?”

“Because I was scared as well.”

Kenma pulled his knees up to his chest, hugging them and absorbing his tears into his pajama bottoms at the same time.

“Baby…” Kuroo reached out a hand, resting it on the side of Kenma’s head. He hadn’t considered Kenma’s side of the story until now. “What were you scared of? Was it me?”

The words came out like a hushed secret, barely audible to anyone outside the bed’s perimeters. Kenma shook his head.

“I was scared that _I’d_ finally done something to end things. That- that me breaking down in front of you like that, that me hurting myself even after you’ve told me not to… That me being scared of you… I thought _that_ had ended things.”

“But it didn’t, baby. You should be able to tell, with how much I tried to message you.”

Kuroo resisted the urge to mention the letter. He wasn’t sure if Kenma had even read it.

“I know. I was just…”

Kenma’s hands had started to shake again, and Kuroo could _feel_ him struggle to keep his breathing calm.

“It’s okay, Kenma. Forget I asked-”

“I didn’t want to risk seeing you again and then breaking down. I didn’t want to seem so pathetic-”

“It’s not pathetic at all.”

“-but when I went to the park, and I saw you, I couldn’t walk towards you.”

There was a silence, in which Kuroo was sure he’d heard wrong.

_Kenma had gone to the park._

“You – You came?”

“I saw you, and you were talking to some kids, and you _laughed_. And I thought, how unfair is it that I had hurt you so much? I’m not stupid – even while I was… While I was crying, I could tell that I’d done something to hurt you. And after you’d left, the thought stuck with me in my head. I’d hurt you, and I didn’t want to hurt you again.”

Kuroo didn’t really know what to say, so he sat there, staring at Kenma with shock and love in his eyes. Kenma stared right back, hiding between his knees.

And then, somehow, Kuroo was kissing Kenma, and he wasn’t really sure how it’d happened, but he had his hands in Kenma’s hair, the strands falling between his fingers like they normally do, and Kenma had one hand on Kuroo’s neck, leaning over just enough so that their lips could touch, but not so much that he’d fall over.

As hands roamed over heads and shoulders, the two found their kiss heating up, getting a little needier and a little more passionate. It was no longer the sad kisses or the soft, caressing ones. They were breaking away only for gasps of air, but they kissed like they were one another’s lifeline.

And at some point - Kuroo didn’t know when or how – they were both spilling their own tears. They didn’t make a big fuss over it. Kuroos’ finger occasionally brushed Kenma’s cheeks, wiping away the tears while his own fell freely. He wasn’t even sure if Kenma was aware of the both of them crying. Kuroo leant forward slightly, wanting to be closer to Kenma – but the both of them fell over, Kuroo on top of Kenma with arms on either side of the smaller boy to prevent laying on him.

And then, something happened that made Kuroo feel as if nothing bad had happened.

Kenma let out a small laugh – it was, really just him letting out a breath, but Kuroo found himself smiling down at Kenma and letting out his own chuckle and then they were both letting out their own chuckles.

Kuroo rolled over so that he was lying next to Kenma, his arm tucked under his head. The latter turned to his side as well, the two of them facing each other. Kuroo raised a hand and cupped Kenma’s face, brushing back the few strands that dangled in front. Kenma rubbed his cheek against Kuroo’s hand and let out a breath.

“I miss this, Kuro… It was so much easier when you were still here.”

“What was easier? Caressing my hand or making out?”

“Being with you. Beside you. Sleeping beside you-”

“Oh, okay, beside me but not _with_ me-”

Kuroo let out a laugh as Kenma flushed red and hid behind his hands.

“I’m just kidding, kitten.”

Kuroo smiled softly to himself. What if things were still like this? What if he’d never moved, never gone to college? Or, not one so far away. He could’ve gone to one in Tokyo, but he preferred the classes provided outside of his home city. Tokyo may be a big city and all, but it didn’t provide everything he needed – wanted.

“I miss you.”

The voice was small, muffled, but Kuroo heard it all the same and pulled Kenma closer to him.

“I’m right here, baby.”

“I know.”

* * *

 

When morning came and the sounds of birds filtered through the window, Kenma stirred awake. His blanket had been pulled up to his chin, and a pillow tucked between his arms, as if to replace something that had once been there. He woke up, like he normally did, and blindly grabbed at the objects on his bedside table until he found his phone. Rubbing his eye, he turned it on – and froze.

Two messages from Kuroo. One missed call.

 **Kuroo [5:42AM]:** Didn’t want to wake you. You looked so calm sleeping. Just letting you know I’m back at my place now. I’m taking a morning train back, so I have to get ready.

 **Kuroo [7:13AM]:** call me when you’re up.

Kenma’s eyes flicked up to the top of the screen – it was 8:37AM – and quickly sat up as he moved to call Kuroo. Would it be too late? Kuroo had said a morning train, but he didn’t know what time that would be. He got out of bed, almost falling in the process as his legs tangled in the sheets, and moved to the window. He pulled his curtain open, looking over at Kuroo’s room. Kuroo’s room was dark, lights turned off.

Had he already left?

_“The person you are calling is not available-”_

Kenma cursed, and quickly re-called him. He was taking the train, so he’d still be able to pick up even if he’d left, right?

“Hey, you’re finally up, huh?”

“I… yeah.”

Kenma gulped, and there was an awkward silence. He didn’t like this awkward silence. It was the first time they’d talked normally since the fight. Sure, there had been last night, but that all felt like a delirious dream. Kenma barely had any recollection of it. He remembered opening the door for Kuroo, and he remembered falling asleep in his arms, but he didn’t remember much else. A kiss here and there, but nothing vivid.

“Anyways, what’s up?”

Kenma could hear rummaging – the moving of luggage, he assumed.

“Have you left yet?”

“Ah, no. I… I was wondering if you wanted to come to the station with me? We could get something to eat before I leave.”

Kenma had stayed quiet during the taxi ride out to the restaurant. Kuroo had always been good at reading people, Kenma knew that very well, and he felt guilt settle in his mind when Kuroo’s attempts at small talk stopped. It wasn’t that Kenma was angry, or still sad. He was just confused about the events of the previous night.

The atmosphere felt alien to Kenma, although it probably felt normal for everyone else. His eyes kept shifting around, and despite still feeling a little strange around him, he kept close to Kuroo. Kuroo seemed relieved about it, glancing down at Kenma from time to time and trying not to smile. They sat near the centre of the restaurant, and Kenma could smell the different Italian dishes around them. Kenma didn’t know names, but he recognised some of them. Kuroo had used to cook for them after school and on weekends.   

He remembered one time, when Kuroo had been too excited to try a new recipe and had ended up burning his finger. Kenma had been the one to tend to the minor wound. It felt good, to be the one to do the taking care of.

“You know, you must like sleeping next to me.”

Kenma could tell that Kuroo was trying to tease him, but there seemed to be some type of nervousness in his voice. Unsure how to reply, Kenma kept his silence. His phone was on, but he was just opening and closing apps with hopes that it’ll look like he isn’t ignoring Kuroo. Not too much, anyways.

“Are you still mad at me?”

“… I already told you I wasn’t mad at you. I’ve never been mad at you.”

He risked a glance up at him, meeting Kuroo’s wide eyes. Was he really that surprised?

“Oh. Right. Yeah, sorry.”

They fell into another awkward silence, broken by when their food arrived. Despite the linguine in front of Kenma and the carbonara in front of Kuroo, neither one touched their food.

“Kenma, can we just – can we not be awkward? At least not for the next hour? Can we just pretend everything is normal, so I can at least convince myself while I’m on the train that you’ll be okay?”

Kenma nodded, but didn’t say anything. He picked up his fork and poked at his food, gingerly taking some into his mouth. It was nice, he had to admit. Maybe too much tomato, but that just came down to personal preference.

Despite the awkward atmosphere in which they ate, Kenma felt himself adjusting and calming down. Kuroo paid for their meal – a parting gift, he’d jokingly called it – and they walked around, finding their way to a park not too long after. They sat on a bench for a good few silent minutes, the distance between them larger than it’d ever been in the last 3 years.

“You know-”

Kenma jumped. He wasn’t expecting Kuroo to speak up.

“-I’m glad I get to spend my last few hours with you. Even if it's awkward and… yeah. Even if it's awkward.”

Kenma stayed silent again, fiddling with his fingers. He no longer bothered to pretend to fiddle with his phone.

“I don’t know how you feel about last night – I mean, we didn’t do anything weird so I don’t know why you would feel weird about it but it’s okay if you do, I understand and all, but-”

“Kuro.”

Kenma turned on the bench, crossing his legs so he was facing Kuroo. Kuro seemed taken aback, his eyes wide.

“Y-Yes?”

“Thank you.”

“… For what?”

Kuroo was blinking at him, frowning slightly out of confusion.

“For last night.”

His words were almost mumbled, and he forced himself to keep eyecontact with Kuroo to show that he really meant it. Kenma wasn’t good at expressing his emotions. He knew that. He normally showed his feelings through his actions, not through words. He wasn’t a word person. But sometimes, you had to use your words.

“You haven’t had a good break thanks to me-”

“Kenma, that’s not-”

“-and I’m sorry, but last night – thank you. I … I miss sleeping with you. It was nice.”

“… _That’s_ what you’re thanking me for? Sleeping with you?”

An old lady walking by shot them a horrified look and sped up her walking. Kenma covered his face again.

“You don’t need to say it like that-”

“That’s how you said it too!”

“Yeah, but-”

He froze, for Kuroo was laughing quietly. Kenma bit his lip. It was nice to see Kuroo laughing again. After a bit of hesitation, he moved closer to Kuroo, until he was leaning on Kuroo’s shoulder and hugging his knees.

“I’m going to miss you.”

“Me too, kitten. Me too.”

The laughing had stopped, replaced with a bittersweet silence. The trees behind them could be heard, an orchestra being conducted by the wind.  It started off as a faint rustling in the background, but soon enough, the silence between them grew louder, and Kenma’s ears were ringing, as if the strings and the brass had reached such a loud fortissimo before suddenly dropping to a pianissimo, the flutes now carrying the melody, ringing out above the vibratos of the string.

“Do you have to go?”

A stupid question, he knew. Kuroo brought an arm around Kenma, hugging him, and in response, Kenma hugged his knees tighter.

“I’ll come home for my next break.”                          

“Promise?”

It was a solo now, one violin filling up the massive concert hall.

“I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, so I know I haven't updated this fic for almost a year now. I've been trying to cope w some personal stuff since last year, and my moods haven't been to good and i haven't really had any major inspiration for writing again. I've been trying to write things but nothing has really satisfied me at all. A few days ago, i got a notif for this fic, and long story short i ended up re-reading all the comments that have been left on this fic and i just want to thank you guys, if any of you guys are still keeping up with this fic/have been waiting for an update. I don't really know how to say it other than thank you. I hope to be able to update more from now on, as i really do enjoy writing and i want to improve!  
> Once again, thank you so much and i really am sorry for my lack of update within the past year.  
> p.s. i know this chapt is kinda eh and not good but ndjknvdsknjs sorrysorry  
> p.s.s. i've started writing bts fics lmao. i'm also working on some stray kids stuff (pls support them!) so if you're interested !!


End file.
